Revenge of the Bad Days

I’m progressing further into my pregnancy. I’m almost into my third trimester now. This has led to an overabundance of raging pregnancy hormones in my body, which makes it harder than ever to handle the bad days.

Sometimes I’m still not convinced people even believe I have these bad days. And I don’t want people thinking I’m something I’m not. I deal with the same fears and doubts and insecurities that every cancer patient does. I try my best to be positive about this situation every chance I get, but sometimes I’m just downright scared. Sometimes I feel like I’m back in that hospital room where the news was first handed to me, dealing with the same unknown factors I was then, worried about what’s going to happen to my husband, my baby, my family, if the worst should happen.

I’m not back in that hospital room. I know I have every reason to believe that the baby and I will come through this just perfectly and stronger than ever. But when the pregnancy hormones are raging, when the steroids also take my emotions for a joy ride, when steroids also rob me of my sleep…I just can’t reason my way through all this anymore. Add to that chemo brain. For those of you unfamiliar with this term, it’s a side effect of chemo treatments. You become robbed of your short term memory and reasoning skills. Sometimes it takes me five minutes to think of one word, if that word even comes to me then. Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of a sentence talking to someone and will completely forget what the conversation is even about. I also have pregnancy brain on top of this, which is essentially the same thing as chemo brain.

Sometimes it just feels like I’m losing my mind.

And now I’m getting closer to labor and delivery. I don’t even know when that’ll be. I have an official due date but I’ve been told I won’t carry that long. They want to induce so the doctors will have as much control over the situation as possible because my case is so risky. With my immune system being compromised because of cancer and cancer treatments, we have to be careful how we go about this. There’s also the fact that I’m on blood thinners. There’s also the fact that I have gestational diabetes due to steroids. So…my doctors have to fight it out amongst themselves as to when they want to deliver the baby based on how I’m breathing (between the mass and the baby pushing on my internal organs) and how big the baby is getting.

There is so much to worry and be scared about right now.

So the bad days have become more frequent. I keep fighting through them as well as I can but honestly…I’m kind of just ready to get labor (which sounds scarier all the time) over with so I can finish treatments and get back to my life. Get down to the business of being a mother. I know my life will never be the same as it was. I will have a child and will deal with cancer after care for the rest of my life. I’ve heard that the cancer and some of the treatments leave life long side effects, too.

So I’ll find a new normal eventually. 

I’m so grateful for all the encouragement I get from everyone in my life. I’m grateful for my amazing husband who has so selflessly been putting up with all my crazy and helping and supporting me through all of this. I’m grateful for my parents who make come as often as they can to take me to treatments and help my husband and I take care of the house and get it ready for the baby. And then there’s my husband’s mother who comes on the weekends as often as she can for the same purpose. My brother’s wife, who is a nurse, has plans to be here after the birth so she can help during treatments and take care of the baby as well.

I feel guilty for having bad days when I have so much going on to be thankful for, and so many people helping out and praying for me.

Maybe I should focus on that instead.