Why Dress Codes Don't Work

I believe in absolutes.

Many people no longer believe me when I say that because I've finally vocalized how, not only am I no longer a fundamentalist, but I am also a feminist.

But I do believe in absolutes.

Unfortunately, today I will not be talking about one of those absolutes.

Today I am talking about modesty.

I don't believe there are absolutes in modesty.

The definition of modest attire changes between historic periods, cultures, and religions. In some cultures, women don't wear shirts at all, and are not considered immodest. In some cultures, women would never dream of exposing their knees in public, but bare their mid-drifts on a regular basis.

At church camps when I was a teenager, we had a strict dress code, outline by the "Eight B's." I don't remember all eight things. I know some of them were that we weren't supposed to expose the belly button (even when raising our arms), bare shoulders, bra straps, bedroom wear (i.e. pajama bottoms), and many other things.

I think strict dress codes are ridiculous and sexist. I also believe they help perpetuate victim blaming and rape culture.

You see, at these camps I have referred to, the girls were expected to cover everything up. Whilst swimming, t-shirts had to be worn by the women at all times, sometimes even if she was wearing a one piece.

Guys could wear whatever.

The biggest fear of those running the camp was that the guys (who had separate swim times) would happen to glance over at the lake and see a woman in a bathing suit. It was the girls' job to cover up to keep the men from lusting after her body at this point.

This was one of the most confusing times of my young life. I constantly was barraged with this message, the message that the female form was inherently evil. This message was of course not often delivered in so many terms, but it was there all the same. I was constantly told that my Christian brothers would lust if they saw too much of my skin.

Guys could wear whatever when they went swimming. They were never even required to wear a shirt. When this was challenged, the answer was basically that “Well, girls shouldn't be looking/lusting anyway.” At the time, it seemed pretty logical to me.

Wait, WHAT???

Girls had to cover up EVERYTHING to protect the men, but girls shouldn't look AT ALL or be moved by what they see in any way at all??

Friends, this is what I have a problem with.

There’s this undercurrent in Christian and secular culture that basically says “Boys will be boys.” They can’t help being carnally controlled, so women have to take the initiative to keep the guys from looking. If a man looks, it’s the woman’s responsibility to keep it from happening again. If he looks, it’s probably because she wasn't wearing enough clothes. If a man does more than look, then she was DEFINITELY scantily clad.

Don’t believe me? How many times have you heard “What was she wearing?” in regards to sexual assault?

Placing the burden of prevention on the woman is short-sited, one-sided, and wrong. Also, it’s unbiblical.

Oh, I know all the scriptures about modesty. I also know that many people don’t understand these scriptures very well themselves. They also cherry-pick what parts of the scripture they want to use, and what the meaning should really be. The scriptures on modesty (the one in Timothy is the one I hear used most often) tell the women not to braid their hair or wear gold jewelry, elaborate hairstyles, or gems. You see, this scripture is not telling women to cover up to keep men from sinning. The teaching here is more about not flaunting your wealth.

Jesus told men not to lust, and he did not follow this command by telling women not to show too much skin. The wording he used was a command to men to essentially not covet the woman’s body. It was the men’s responsibility to control themselves, not the women’s to control the men.

Men will lust regardless of what women are wearing. You can’t expect women to stop this. Placing dress codes on women and not trying to teach men to control themselves will not solve this.

Bombarding young girls with messages of shame about their bodies is one of the unhealthiest practices in the church today. For girls going through puberty, most already have body image issues. They are already hounded with images from the media of figures they will never measure up to. The church shouldn't be adding on to this insecurity by placing more shame.

I often worry about what I will teach my own children regarding this subject. How do you raise girls to be proud of their bodies, to wear what makes them comfortable, and to not let others shame them if guys find them attractive? I don’t think hard and fast, black and white dress codes are the answer.

How do you teach young men the difference between attraction and lust? How do you teach them to be respectful regardless of what they see in or out of the church?

I don’t have all the answers. I pray every day that rape culture will change before my future children are subjected to either side of it. This means no longer objectifying the female body and making it public property. If this makes me a feminist, so be it. I just hope it also means a better world for my future children.

Faith and Feminism

I am a Christian, but I am also a feminist. This may not seem like a big deal to some people. But where I come from, being a feminist is tantamount to being a God-hating, man-eating baby-killer. I've never understood why that is the case.

I am a feminist, but I do not automatically think that must mean I’m pro-choice, or that I can’t be a Christian anymore. I think people get confuse as to what being a “feminist” actually means, which is simply that I believe in the equality of the sexes.

I think God designed men and women as equals, and I believe that in practice as well as in theory. I've heard Christian men where I come from say on the one hand that men and women are equal, but in the same conversation ridicule a woman for being the type of woman who “don’t need no man.”

And I think to myself, wait a second…why is this a bad thing? Why should she need a man? Why does any grown person “need” someone else to take care of them? Why do we all automatically assume that single women are in need of rescuing, Christian or otherwise? What is so bad about a woman wanting to be independent, that it makes men feel threatened enough to lash out? Especially if that woman is a trusting believer in God, trusting that He will take care of her. Why should any Christian man feel threatened by that?

Recently I have started becoming more and more outspoken about feminism. I have started seeing flaws in the way that many Christians approach their treatment of women, particularly feminists, and I feel that this needs to change. Don’t get me wrong, the Church has come a long way. Many denominations now ordain women (even if sometimes the women have to fight for that ordination), and let women speak and hold office in Church.

However, many churches still see women as needing to be subservient to men. Women still receive messages that their bodies are somehow instruments used to lead men astray. The message of the submissive woman and the message of modesty have been twisted. And many women still don’t feel that they are in charge of their own body, especially in the church. I do not believe that this is what God originally intended.

The church is still falling short in its treatment of women, when it can and should be one of the main resources that women should be able to use to receive empowerment. If something as simple as a woman wanting to take care of herself is enough to offend anyone, something is terribly, terribly wrong. We as the body of God are supposed to be reaching out to the marginalized, just like Jesus did, not working hard to keep them where they are because we’re more comfortable with that.

I will be speaking more in depth on this subject in the coming weeks. Next week I will take an in-depth look at modesty, what the Bible says about it, what the church teaches today, and how our concept of it plays out in today’s culture. The Bible might say something different about it than you think it does.

Why I am No Longer Fundamental, Part 4

For my last part in this series I want to explain exactly what my beliefs are. I've been getting a lot of accusations of “Easy Christianity” and “relative truth,” etc. So since in my most recent post I laid out the basics of my observations of Fundamental Christianity, I’m going to now explain how I've learned to be a Christian without the Fundamentalism.

First, I’m going to tell you what my faith is not. This is not easy. How can it be? With the Christian circles I grew up in, and those with whom I am still in contact, many of them who are still devoutly Fundamental, what is so easy about declaring myself to not be Fundamental anymore? It never goes over very well. This is not Easy Christianity. This is also not what many of you have called “sloppy grace.”

For those of you who weren't raised with this kind of church vocabulary, let me explain what these accusations mean. “Easy Christianity” and “sloppy grace” refers to people who are Christian but who still sort of live as though they weren't. Other people see them as sinning freely without fear of consequences because they know that they will be forgiven.

This is not what I am doing, nor what I am advocating.

I have also not backslidden. I have not turned my back on God. I am not living a hedonistic life. I still have a relationship with God, and all my beliefs necessary to salvation (little Nazarene trivia for you there) are still wholly intact. In fact, my relationship with God is better now than it ever has been. I believe that this is due to the fact that I am no longer in constant fear of messing up. I am no longer obsessing about living up to everyone else’s standards, nor am I interested in keeping up appearances.

I no longer feel guilty every minute of every day for no reason at all (something I lived with for YEARS as a fundamentalist). This is the most freeing feeling I've ever had.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let me tell you how I do live out my faith these days.

Today, I leave room for more grace (and again, I don’t mean that in an “I can do whatever I want” way). What it means is that I no longer think I have all the answers. Not from the Bible, not from theology, not from anywhere. I know that there are fundamental truths in the Bible. I know that there are all sorts of things that we can’t and shouldn't compromise on. I just don’t think that that’s the whole Bible, and that there are many gray areas in there, and that we shouldn't battle to the death over those gray areas here on earth. Rather, let’s extend a little more grace to everyone on these areas. Hold to your own convictions and beliefs, but don’t guilt others into doing the same, especially not people who aren't Christian.

Speaking of which…

STOP EXPECTING NON-CHRISTIANS TO ACT LIKE CHRISTIANS

STOP HOLDING NON-CHRISTIANS TO YOUR STANDARDS

There are very few things in this life that aggravate me more than when I see Christians judging and condemning non-Christians for living and acting like non-Christians. Friends, this accomplishes little more than making Christians look hateful, and that’s not what we’re called to do. Jesus said that the world will know us by our love, right? So let’s try a little more of that. I don’t think ministry and missions ever work out very well while using that tactic.

Think rather of Paul when he was in Athens (Acts 17). The story goes that he went there and saw that the city was FULL of idols. I don’t pretend to know exactly what this means. I believe Athens was a pretty big city, so I’m guessing there were quite a few of these idols. He was upset when he saw all these idols so he of course began preaching, and soon enough he had people asking him what on earth he was talking about. However, rather than give them an itemized list of all the ways they were sinning, he complimented them on how religious they were. Then he remarked upon one idol he had seen that read “To an Unknown God.” He used that as an inroad to teaching them the good news of the gospel, and the people were hooked (obviously not all, some of them “sneered” and walked away) and asked to talk to him again.

This, I believe, is an amazing example of how to speak with non-believers. How to build relationships. You can’t build a relationship with anyone by first tearing them down, telling them everything they believe is wrong, and giving them an itemized list of why they’re going to hell. Just doesn't make for a good introduction. And I don’t believe that any ministry is effective without first having a good relationship.

Friends, Fundamentalism is fast pushing away everyone it is purporting to love and reach out to. There have been hundreds of blogs and articles written about why people are leaving the church in droves, and I believe that this is one of the main reasons why. The hatred and divisiveness that naturally comes from this kind of extreme, unyielding mentality was bound to catch up to the church eventually.

This is why I am not a Fundamentalist anymore. And this is why I feel it necessary to use my experience and do what I can to heal that divide. There is a better way.

Why I am No Longer Fundamental, Part 3

What does it even mean to be a fundamentalist? What is fundamentalism? What on Earth have I even been ranting about for the last two weeks?

These are all excellent questions, and the way I answer them will greatly alter the outcome of this little adventure I've been having.

You see, there are fundamentalist factions in every religion on earth, though sometimes they’re called by different names. You might call them extremists, like the Muslim extremists we hear about so often on the news. You might see fundamentalism in the goings-on of the folks at the Westboro Baptist Church. You might see it in polygamist colonies. Fundamentalism is seen and lived out in various societies and in different degrees all over the world.

Here though, on this blog, and in my life, I have and am addressing Christian Fundamentalism.

Webster’s defines Fundamentalism as “A movement or attitude stressing strict and literal adherence to a set of basic principles.” In its definition Webster’s also addresses a literal interpretation of the Bible, and how this literal interpretation is fundamental to Christian life and teaching.

But what exactly does that even mean? What does it look like? Why do I even care, beyond the effects that it has had on me?

What it means is that there’s no room to let people be people. It means there’s no way to have any dissension or differing ideas. It means that people who are fundamentalists get to sit in judgment day in and day out on people who are not, people who have different ideas, people who might view their Bibles a little bit differently.

And how do you ever even know what you truly believe if you never are allowed to question anything?

This may sound like a harsh summarization, and maybe it is.

But do you know what else is harsh? Hearing that you are rebellious simply because you have different ideas. Hearing about all the different reasons you are going to hell. Harshness is not knowing that there are other ways to be Christian that have nothing to do with interpreting your Bible literally and itemizing all they ways people who are Christian but not Fundamentalist are wrong about all their beliefs that don’t fall directly in line with what you believe.

Harshness is deciding you are Christian but not Fundamentalist, making that statement publicly, and having people try to save your soul as a result.

Fundamentalism is by its very nature one of the things Jesus fought against during his time here on earth. Maybe not everybody has read those stories the same way though. In the Bible, the fundamentalists were called Pharisees.

Pharisees got their kicks from being self-righteous and following the Jews around to make sure they were all staying in line. There were literally hundreds of rules (both from their scriptures and from their traditions) that the Jews were supposed to follow (on pain of making bloody sacrifices to save their souls), and you can bet that if some wayward Jew were to break a rule (accidentally or otherwise), there would be a Pharisee nearby to kindly tell them exactly what they did wrong and how many goats or lambs or pigeons (or whatever) would need to be killed to atone for this infraction. The Pharisees lived their lives to the letter of the literal law and expected everyone else to do the same.

They hated Jesus.

Jesus had unkind words for them.

Sound familiar?

There are lists and lists of fundamentalist beliefs that have been drawn from a literal interpretation of the Bible, and from what are believed to be orthodox. (For an awesome in-depth discussion of perceived orthodoxy, check out this blog). But the simple fact is that there are many, many ways to view the subjects that so often cause divisions amongst us, subjects that a fundamentalist teaching leaves no room for discussion on. These topics, which I will address in a later blog, include modesty, creation, homosexuality, the rapture/end times, birth control, and on and on and on.

I am not the only person who has been hurt by Fundamentalism. I believe it is at least partially responsible for the mass exodus of millennials from the church. The church, as a result of Fundamentalism, has largely come to be equated with hate, and people don’t respond well to hate. Being harsh and unyielding towards the lost and hurting hardly lends itself to the love that Jesus called us to display towards others. Love is what will bring others back to the church. Love is how I have decided to live out the rest of my Christian life. I’m not talking about compromise or easy Christianity, as some may fear, but I will get more into that next week.

Why I am No Longer Fundamental, Part 2

It’s easy to blame other people for the problems in our lives. The most uncomfortable feeling in the world is seeing the ruins of your life and knowing that everything that is wrong is a direct result of your own actions. Sometimes the only thing that can ease that discomfort is casting about for someone else to blame: society, friends, family, your parents…the list is quite literally endless.

That’s not what I’m here to do. I was shaped by the culture I grew up in. The atmosphere in my church. Parents who loved me and wanted to protect me, who wanted what was best for me. All of these circumstances just happened to correlate with the massive fundamentalist movement that happened to be taking place in American Christianity during my formative years.

It’s this movement that directly influenced the most pivotal moments of my adult life.

But it was in no way responsible.

I do blame the fundamentalist movement for a lot of what I see wrong with Christianity in the world, and for the way the world relates to Christianity. I have seen far too many broken hearts to not hurt for those who have been hurt by this movement, both in and out of Christianity, and in and out of the Church in general.

Mine is one of those stories.

However, rather than blame, I overcame.

I got married at the ripe age of 19. I was young. I was naïve. I was marrying a man who had a sex addiction, who was, and would without a doubt continue to be, unfaithful to me at any given opportunity.

I divorced him after four years and untold counts of infidelity. The exact details of the marriage are not important right now. I may save those for another time. That is not this story. My story is about what happened to me after I left this man.

I left my ex-husband on Good Friday in 2010. I was lead singer on the praise team, he was the drummer, my brother played the bass, my brother’s best friend (who also happened to be the associate pastor at the teeny tiny small church mentioned in the previous blog) was a guitarist, my mother was the youth pastor, and the list of connections in that church are, too this day, endless.

My immediate family, along with a small handful of other people at that church, were the only ones who stood by me in the months that followed. I was, in a roundabout way, dismissed from the praise team. Efforts were made by the pastor to coerce me to reconcile with my husband. I left the church almost immediately, initially with the intention of returning. However, due to my treatment any time I have returned to that church, I have not regularly attended that church since then. I was, for all intents and purposes, ostracized.

I was 23 years old, and had considered that church to be my second home from the time I was 13. This was the church that was immediately responsible for my spiritual upbringing.

…my fundamentalist upbringing.

And there lies the root of the problem.

Looking back now, all of those memories seem so bizarre. At that time, I was hurt but sadly not surprised at the reaction of the church. I was in so much pain from what my husband had done to me, and feeling abandoned by the church seemed inevitable.  However, being abandoned by the church was so much more painful, and the betrayal was so much deeper, that to this very day I am still recovering.

But…I don’t blame a single person there anymore.

Rather, this movement. This fundamentalist idea that somehow we have a God-Given right, and maybe even duty, to sit in judgment on people whose circumstances we will never fully understand, these are the things I blame. And these are the mentalities that I used to buy into!

Because you see, I used to sit in judgment on people. I used to preach at friends that I knew were struggling with homosexuality. I used to parrot to them all the catchphrases and scriptures that I had memorized for such an occasion. I am thankful that those amazing people still consider me a friend today. To those people: you know who you are. And I am so very, truly sorry.

And then I was on the receiving end of different catchphrases and scriptures, those reserved for those poor, ignorant, unfaithful souls contemplating the “sin of divorce.”

A shift began in me at that time, one that is still taking place today. My heart was broken, but my eyes were opened by this experience. That is the story that I will tell in the next two weeks, the fruition of my story of why I am no longer a fundamentalist.

Why I am No Longer Fundamental, Part 1

I feel like I should explain Non-Fundamentalism, and how I got here. I've posted some things on my Facebook and talked to some people before who had the wrong idea of what I meant when I talked about my issues with Fundamentalism. It’s a long story, one which will take some time to tell, and so today I will simply tell the first part.

To start off, I feel like I should give a (hopefully) abbreviated version of my spiritual history, what I used to believe, and why I changed my views, practices, and beliefs to become the charming, Formerly Fundamental person that I am today.

I grew up in the Nazarene Church, the daughter of a woman who became a Christian around the time that I was born, and a man who though upright, moral, and Christian, was neither as devout as my mother nor an active part of our church lives. My mother, however, was very active, and had my older brother and I in church from my earliest memories. The three of us were heavily active in every program the Nazarene church had to offer. This included Bible Quizzing, Caravans, children’s church, and eventually youth group, which my mother lead when we were older.

All of this also spilled over into our personal lives. We listened to every Focus on the Family radio show that ever came on, Joyce Meyers, End Times Radio, and Christian Music. I was surrounded by Christian literature, as well. The Left Behind series, Chronicles of Narnia, and when I was older every Christian romance novel that came my way. My favorites were the ones about the Amish. I was also very restricted in what I was allowed to watch or read. The list is endless, and it’s hard for me to even remember all of it.

When I was 12 my family moved to Bible Belt Southeast Missouri and became a part of a small Nazarene Church in an extremely rural area. When I say that everyone knew everyone and was always in everyone else’s business, you cannot begin to imagine how far that statement can extend. When I say that messages I heard preached and taught were the most Evangelical and Fundamental messages I've heard in my life, there’s no way to convey what kind of impact those messages have on someone that young.

Through all of this, I developed a mentality of extreme exclusionism. I knew the Bible backwards and forwards. I knew the fundamental dogma better than I knew my Bible. I knew that homosexuality was evil, one sip of alcohol could lead to addiction and depravity, and that my female body was an instrument of evil, and that I must always keep everything covered up in order to not lead my Christian brothers into sin. I knew that the Earth was only 6000 years old, and that the Six Day Creation was a fact. I knew that sex sins were tricky and that even kissing could lead straight to sex without a person ever realizing how they got there. I made the True Love Waits commitment when I was about 10 or 11 and my favorite piece of jewelry was my purity ring. I knew that the Bible was literal even if you couldn't understand how, and that it was also entirely infallible. I could spout off Nazarene Doctrine without blinking an eye. As a Nazarene, I also believed that not only could you never ever sin after becoming Sanctified, but that this was every Christian’s highest calling in life.

I also knew that this was the only way to be a “Real” Christian.

If I met anyone, Christian or not, whose beliefs could not be checked off of the same checklist that I used, I immediately tried to convince them of how wrong they were, and turn them to my personal way of thinking.

This was the state of my life right up until I was around 23 years old, when the man who had been my husband for four years cheated on me, and I left him. Things didn't go so well for me after that, and from that point on, everything in my life would change little by little. 

Next week I will explain more on what beliefs changed, how much, and why. I have not thrown away all the beliefs I was raised with, though I also have not retained all  them. Some of them I now simply live out differently. I'm not sure how many parts this series will have, but I do hope that in some small way I will be able to reach some people on both sides of the fence and maybe help bring those who are Fundamental and those to are not into a better understanding of one another.

Christians, Politics, and President Obama

I was raised to be respectful. I was taught that respect should be extended to literally every person in existence. That means random people you pass on the street, peers, teachers, bosses, anyone you are in authority over, and people in authority over you, and perhaps especially people in public office. I believe wholeheartedly in this teaching, and I feel that it is especially in line with the teachings of Christianity, which I adhere to. 

This is why I get angry when people disrespect the president. I’m referring here to any president that has, is, or ever will be in power. Political beliefs and affiliations aside, you should respect Obama not only as our president, but also as a person. “Obummer” is childish. This is the type of thing I imagine children on the playground might have called him when he was a child. 

Conservative Christians, regardless of their feelings for him, should be leading the way for other conservatives to respect him. Don’t we teach our children to not name call? Don’t we teach them that that is no way to win an argument or have a discussion? Why then do we feel that name calling our Commander in Chief is an acceptable thing to do? I realize that many people disapprove of Obama and his politics and will also cry “free speech!” I suppose if you wish to express your disapproval by exercising your right to free speech in such a childish way, then yes, that is indeed your right. 

But let me just say this in closing: Friends…grow up.