The Road So Far

Sometimes it feels as though I’ve had cancer all my life. Like I’ve been living with this diagnosis from the time I was born. Sometimes it feels like I was just told yesterday, and like I’m still adjusting to the new realities of my life. In reality, it hasn’t even been three months yet since I received the news. I guess there has just been that much activity.

Right now I’m still in somewhat of a holding pattern as far as the battle is concerned. I have received four rituxan treatments so far, which is part of the chemo cocktail but not a chemo treatment in and of itself, and one full chemo treatment, as well. We are still taking the chemo treatments one step at a time because they don’t want my blood levels to get to far off, which is a big concern for my doctors. I was anemic before we started chemo, and they’re worried if we do too much chemo, I might have to get a blood transfusion. And there is of course the ever-present goal of making sure the baby is ok!

As far as the progression of the cancer itself, we received the amazing news a few weeks ago that the rituxan treatments were able to shrink the mass by a full third! We and the doctors were all amazed by this, as they were simply hoping that the rituxan would simply hold the mass off and buy us more time before starting chemo. Now I’m excited to see just how much progress we can make against the cancer with the full chemo treatments!

I’ve been able to take myself off my oxygen a bit since the mass shrank. The mass was situated in my chest in such a way that it was pushing on my heart and lungs, making it difficult for me to breathe. Since it shrank I’m able to go quite a while without needing assistance to breathe, even when I’m up and moving around. My energy levels and weight have still been fluctuating quite a bit, and my eating is erratic at best from week to week, but every ultrasound we’ve done of the baby shows that she is growing at a perfect rate, so as long as that keeps up my doctors say we should be ok!

So that’s a bit of an update on me so far. I am currently 20 weeks pregnant, the baby is growing nicely and the cancer is shrinking nicely. We have so much to be thankful for on this journey, despite how terrifying it sometimes can seem. One of these days I will sit down and simply write a blog about how much we really do have to be thankful for, an itemized list of how blessed we’ve been even with a cancer diagnosis.

Why Dress Codes Don't Work

I believe in absolutes.

Many people no longer believe me when I say that because I've finally vocalized how, not only am I no longer a fundamentalist, but I am also a feminist.

But I do believe in absolutes.

Unfortunately, today I will not be talking about one of those absolutes.

Today I am talking about modesty.

I don't believe there are absolutes in modesty.

The definition of modest attire changes between historic periods, cultures, and religions. In some cultures, women don't wear shirts at all, and are not considered immodest. In some cultures, women would never dream of exposing their knees in public, but bare their mid-drifts on a regular basis.

At church camps when I was a teenager, we had a strict dress code, outline by the "Eight B's." I don't remember all eight things. I know some of them were that we weren't supposed to expose the belly button (even when raising our arms), bare shoulders, bra straps, bedroom wear (i.e. pajama bottoms), and many other things.

I think strict dress codes are ridiculous and sexist. I also believe they help perpetuate victim blaming and rape culture.

You see, at these camps I have referred to, the girls were expected to cover everything up. Whilst swimming, t-shirts had to be worn by the women at all times, sometimes even if she was wearing a one piece.

Guys could wear whatever.

The biggest fear of those running the camp was that the guys (who had separate swim times) would happen to glance over at the lake and see a woman in a bathing suit. It was the girls' job to cover up to keep the men from lusting after her body at this point.

This was one of the most confusing times of my young life. I constantly was barraged with this message, the message that the female form was inherently evil. This message was of course not often delivered in so many terms, but it was there all the same. I was constantly told that my Christian brothers would lust if they saw too much of my skin.

Guys could wear whatever when they went swimming. They were never even required to wear a shirt. When this was challenged, the answer was basically that “Well, girls shouldn't be looking/lusting anyway.” At the time, it seemed pretty logical to me.

Wait, WHAT???

Girls had to cover up EVERYTHING to protect the men, but girls shouldn't look AT ALL or be moved by what they see in any way at all??

Friends, this is what I have a problem with.

There’s this undercurrent in Christian and secular culture that basically says “Boys will be boys.” They can’t help being carnally controlled, so women have to take the initiative to keep the guys from looking. If a man looks, it’s the woman’s responsibility to keep it from happening again. If he looks, it’s probably because she wasn't wearing enough clothes. If a man does more than look, then she was DEFINITELY scantily clad.

Don’t believe me? How many times have you heard “What was she wearing?” in regards to sexual assault?

Placing the burden of prevention on the woman is short-sited, one-sided, and wrong. Also, it’s unbiblical.

Oh, I know all the scriptures about modesty. I also know that many people don’t understand these scriptures very well themselves. They also cherry-pick what parts of the scripture they want to use, and what the meaning should really be. The scriptures on modesty (the one in Timothy is the one I hear used most often) tell the women not to braid their hair or wear gold jewelry, elaborate hairstyles, or gems. You see, this scripture is not telling women to cover up to keep men from sinning. The teaching here is more about not flaunting your wealth.

Jesus told men not to lust, and he did not follow this command by telling women not to show too much skin. The wording he used was a command to men to essentially not covet the woman’s body. It was the men’s responsibility to control themselves, not the women’s to control the men.

Men will lust regardless of what women are wearing. You can’t expect women to stop this. Placing dress codes on women and not trying to teach men to control themselves will not solve this.

Bombarding young girls with messages of shame about their bodies is one of the unhealthiest practices in the church today. For girls going through puberty, most already have body image issues. They are already hounded with images from the media of figures they will never measure up to. The church shouldn't be adding on to this insecurity by placing more shame.

I often worry about what I will teach my own children regarding this subject. How do you raise girls to be proud of their bodies, to wear what makes them comfortable, and to not let others shame them if guys find them attractive? I don’t think hard and fast, black and white dress codes are the answer.

How do you teach young men the difference between attraction and lust? How do you teach them to be respectful regardless of what they see in or out of the church?

I don’t have all the answers. I pray every day that rape culture will change before my future children are subjected to either side of it. This means no longer objectifying the female body and making it public property. If this makes me a feminist, so be it. I just hope it also means a better world for my future children.

Why I am No Longer Fundamental, Part 4

For my last part in this series I want to explain exactly what my beliefs are. I've been getting a lot of accusations of “Easy Christianity” and “relative truth,” etc. So since in my most recent post I laid out the basics of my observations of Fundamental Christianity, I’m going to now explain how I've learned to be a Christian without the Fundamentalism.

First, I’m going to tell you what my faith is not. This is not easy. How can it be? With the Christian circles I grew up in, and those with whom I am still in contact, many of them who are still devoutly Fundamental, what is so easy about declaring myself to not be Fundamental anymore? It never goes over very well. This is not Easy Christianity. This is also not what many of you have called “sloppy grace.”

For those of you who weren't raised with this kind of church vocabulary, let me explain what these accusations mean. “Easy Christianity” and “sloppy grace” refers to people who are Christian but who still sort of live as though they weren't. Other people see them as sinning freely without fear of consequences because they know that they will be forgiven.

This is not what I am doing, nor what I am advocating.

I have also not backslidden. I have not turned my back on God. I am not living a hedonistic life. I still have a relationship with God, and all my beliefs necessary to salvation (little Nazarene trivia for you there) are still wholly intact. In fact, my relationship with God is better now than it ever has been. I believe that this is due to the fact that I am no longer in constant fear of messing up. I am no longer obsessing about living up to everyone else’s standards, nor am I interested in keeping up appearances.

I no longer feel guilty every minute of every day for no reason at all (something I lived with for YEARS as a fundamentalist). This is the most freeing feeling I've ever had.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let me tell you how I do live out my faith these days.

Today, I leave room for more grace (and again, I don’t mean that in an “I can do whatever I want” way). What it means is that I no longer think I have all the answers. Not from the Bible, not from theology, not from anywhere. I know that there are fundamental truths in the Bible. I know that there are all sorts of things that we can’t and shouldn't compromise on. I just don’t think that that’s the whole Bible, and that there are many gray areas in there, and that we shouldn't battle to the death over those gray areas here on earth. Rather, let’s extend a little more grace to everyone on these areas. Hold to your own convictions and beliefs, but don’t guilt others into doing the same, especially not people who aren't Christian.

Speaking of which…

STOP EXPECTING NON-CHRISTIANS TO ACT LIKE CHRISTIANS

STOP HOLDING NON-CHRISTIANS TO YOUR STANDARDS

There are very few things in this life that aggravate me more than when I see Christians judging and condemning non-Christians for living and acting like non-Christians. Friends, this accomplishes little more than making Christians look hateful, and that’s not what we’re called to do. Jesus said that the world will know us by our love, right? So let’s try a little more of that. I don’t think ministry and missions ever work out very well while using that tactic.

Think rather of Paul when he was in Athens (Acts 17). The story goes that he went there and saw that the city was FULL of idols. I don’t pretend to know exactly what this means. I believe Athens was a pretty big city, so I’m guessing there were quite a few of these idols. He was upset when he saw all these idols so he of course began preaching, and soon enough he had people asking him what on earth he was talking about. However, rather than give them an itemized list of all the ways they were sinning, he complimented them on how religious they were. Then he remarked upon one idol he had seen that read “To an Unknown God.” He used that as an inroad to teaching them the good news of the gospel, and the people were hooked (obviously not all, some of them “sneered” and walked away) and asked to talk to him again.

This, I believe, is an amazing example of how to speak with non-believers. How to build relationships. You can’t build a relationship with anyone by first tearing them down, telling them everything they believe is wrong, and giving them an itemized list of why they’re going to hell. Just doesn't make for a good introduction. And I don’t believe that any ministry is effective without first having a good relationship.

Friends, Fundamentalism is fast pushing away everyone it is purporting to love and reach out to. There have been hundreds of blogs and articles written about why people are leaving the church in droves, and I believe that this is one of the main reasons why. The hatred and divisiveness that naturally comes from this kind of extreme, unyielding mentality was bound to catch up to the church eventually.

This is why I am not a Fundamentalist anymore. And this is why I feel it necessary to use my experience and do what I can to heal that divide. There is a better way.

Why I am No Longer Fundamental, Part 3

What does it even mean to be a fundamentalist? What is fundamentalism? What on Earth have I even been ranting about for the last two weeks?

These are all excellent questions, and the way I answer them will greatly alter the outcome of this little adventure I've been having.

You see, there are fundamentalist factions in every religion on earth, though sometimes they’re called by different names. You might call them extremists, like the Muslim extremists we hear about so often on the news. You might see fundamentalism in the goings-on of the folks at the Westboro Baptist Church. You might see it in polygamist colonies. Fundamentalism is seen and lived out in various societies and in different degrees all over the world.

Here though, on this blog, and in my life, I have and am addressing Christian Fundamentalism.

Webster’s defines Fundamentalism as “A movement or attitude stressing strict and literal adherence to a set of basic principles.” In its definition Webster’s also addresses a literal interpretation of the Bible, and how this literal interpretation is fundamental to Christian life and teaching.

But what exactly does that even mean? What does it look like? Why do I even care, beyond the effects that it has had on me?

What it means is that there’s no room to let people be people. It means there’s no way to have any dissension or differing ideas. It means that people who are fundamentalists get to sit in judgment day in and day out on people who are not, people who have different ideas, people who might view their Bibles a little bit differently.

And how do you ever even know what you truly believe if you never are allowed to question anything?

This may sound like a harsh summarization, and maybe it is.

But do you know what else is harsh? Hearing that you are rebellious simply because you have different ideas. Hearing about all the different reasons you are going to hell. Harshness is not knowing that there are other ways to be Christian that have nothing to do with interpreting your Bible literally and itemizing all they ways people who are Christian but not Fundamentalist are wrong about all their beliefs that don’t fall directly in line with what you believe.

Harshness is deciding you are Christian but not Fundamentalist, making that statement publicly, and having people try to save your soul as a result.

Fundamentalism is by its very nature one of the things Jesus fought against during his time here on earth. Maybe not everybody has read those stories the same way though. In the Bible, the fundamentalists were called Pharisees.

Pharisees got their kicks from being self-righteous and following the Jews around to make sure they were all staying in line. There were literally hundreds of rules (both from their scriptures and from their traditions) that the Jews were supposed to follow (on pain of making bloody sacrifices to save their souls), and you can bet that if some wayward Jew were to break a rule (accidentally or otherwise), there would be a Pharisee nearby to kindly tell them exactly what they did wrong and how many goats or lambs or pigeons (or whatever) would need to be killed to atone for this infraction. The Pharisees lived their lives to the letter of the literal law and expected everyone else to do the same.

They hated Jesus.

Jesus had unkind words for them.

Sound familiar?

There are lists and lists of fundamentalist beliefs that have been drawn from a literal interpretation of the Bible, and from what are believed to be orthodox. (For an awesome in-depth discussion of perceived orthodoxy, check out this blog). But the simple fact is that there are many, many ways to view the subjects that so often cause divisions amongst us, subjects that a fundamentalist teaching leaves no room for discussion on. These topics, which I will address in a later blog, include modesty, creation, homosexuality, the rapture/end times, birth control, and on and on and on.

I am not the only person who has been hurt by Fundamentalism. I believe it is at least partially responsible for the mass exodus of millennials from the church. The church, as a result of Fundamentalism, has largely come to be equated with hate, and people don’t respond well to hate. Being harsh and unyielding towards the lost and hurting hardly lends itself to the love that Jesus called us to display towards others. Love is what will bring others back to the church. Love is how I have decided to live out the rest of my Christian life. I’m not talking about compromise or easy Christianity, as some may fear, but I will get more into that next week.

Why I am No Longer Fundamental, Part 1

I feel like I should explain Non-Fundamentalism, and how I got here. I've posted some things on my Facebook and talked to some people before who had the wrong idea of what I meant when I talked about my issues with Fundamentalism. It’s a long story, one which will take some time to tell, and so today I will simply tell the first part.

To start off, I feel like I should give a (hopefully) abbreviated version of my spiritual history, what I used to believe, and why I changed my views, practices, and beliefs to become the charming, Formerly Fundamental person that I am today.

I grew up in the Nazarene Church, the daughter of a woman who became a Christian around the time that I was born, and a man who though upright, moral, and Christian, was neither as devout as my mother nor an active part of our church lives. My mother, however, was very active, and had my older brother and I in church from my earliest memories. The three of us were heavily active in every program the Nazarene church had to offer. This included Bible Quizzing, Caravans, children’s church, and eventually youth group, which my mother lead when we were older.

All of this also spilled over into our personal lives. We listened to every Focus on the Family radio show that ever came on, Joyce Meyers, End Times Radio, and Christian Music. I was surrounded by Christian literature, as well. The Left Behind series, Chronicles of Narnia, and when I was older every Christian romance novel that came my way. My favorites were the ones about the Amish. I was also very restricted in what I was allowed to watch or read. The list is endless, and it’s hard for me to even remember all of it.

When I was 12 my family moved to Bible Belt Southeast Missouri and became a part of a small Nazarene Church in an extremely rural area. When I say that everyone knew everyone and was always in everyone else’s business, you cannot begin to imagine how far that statement can extend. When I say that messages I heard preached and taught were the most Evangelical and Fundamental messages I've heard in my life, there’s no way to convey what kind of impact those messages have on someone that young.

Through all of this, I developed a mentality of extreme exclusionism. I knew the Bible backwards and forwards. I knew the fundamental dogma better than I knew my Bible. I knew that homosexuality was evil, one sip of alcohol could lead to addiction and depravity, and that my female body was an instrument of evil, and that I must always keep everything covered up in order to not lead my Christian brothers into sin. I knew that the Earth was only 6000 years old, and that the Six Day Creation was a fact. I knew that sex sins were tricky and that even kissing could lead straight to sex without a person ever realizing how they got there. I made the True Love Waits commitment when I was about 10 or 11 and my favorite piece of jewelry was my purity ring. I knew that the Bible was literal even if you couldn't understand how, and that it was also entirely infallible. I could spout off Nazarene Doctrine without blinking an eye. As a Nazarene, I also believed that not only could you never ever sin after becoming Sanctified, but that this was every Christian’s highest calling in life.

I also knew that this was the only way to be a “Real” Christian.

If I met anyone, Christian or not, whose beliefs could not be checked off of the same checklist that I used, I immediately tried to convince them of how wrong they were, and turn them to my personal way of thinking.

This was the state of my life right up until I was around 23 years old, when the man who had been my husband for four years cheated on me, and I left him. Things didn't go so well for me after that, and from that point on, everything in my life would change little by little. 

Next week I will explain more on what beliefs changed, how much, and why. I have not thrown away all the beliefs I was raised with, though I also have not retained all  them. Some of them I now simply live out differently. I'm not sure how many parts this series will have, but I do hope that in some small way I will be able to reach some people on both sides of the fence and maybe help bring those who are Fundamental and those to are not into a better understanding of one another.